well, i checked Microsoft and didn't find anything that was helpful (tried their "workarounds") however, i got it working...should have thought of this before... this is how i fixed it, incase anyone else has the same issue.
if your provider has an smtp server
you can try to use that on CDOSYS with the server's name.
i then set my other info the same as the exchange server (such as my from address, this way reply's come to the exchange server)
most smtp servers will not allow you to send mail unless you are actually connected to them (to help cut down spam) however, since you ARE connected to the provider they let it go out...and everything works...
i thank you for all your help though and love the forums they are running wonderfully!
thanks again
shadowmaker